Today I Become A Butterfly

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At this moment, this caterpillar is turning into a butterfly. I am writing this in advance to post when I go into surgery. I’ve kept my surgery quiet to most people, with the exception of close friends and family because of the judgments and opinions of others, most who don’t know me well.

I’ve battled weight issues for as long as my memory takes me. I’ve been on countless food programs in hopes of big changes. A few times I have been successful but the weight usually comes back eventually…and then some. I first looked into having weight loss surgery in 2002, but the insurance I had at the time wouldn’t cover it. I looked into it again last November and went through the process. This time I was approved!

I have been involved in support groups and done my research. I know what I am getting myself into. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has heard that someone has died from this surgery or had complications or ended up back in the hospital and so on. I know the risks. There are also risks involved in living the kind of life that I’ve been living up until this point, too.

For those who might be interested, I am having Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. I will be in surgery for about 2 hours (starting at 7:30am Central Time) and released the next day if all goes well. I’ll be out of work for about 2 weeks.

And so my secret is revealed. I’ve wanted to post about this for as long as I’ve had this blog, but I’ve been afraid. I realize that photos of me will soon reveal that SOMETHING has happened, so it’s not like I can keep this a secret forever.

If you’re reading this, please pray for me. I’m going to need a lot of encouragement. So far, I’ve received kind words from most everyone, but of course the few negative words always seem to outweigh the positive ones.

“In you, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in your righteousness.” – Psalm 31:1

Note: If you have had any weight loss surgery or contemplating surgery, please feel free to contact me directly. I am an Admin on a Closed Facebook Support Group for women where we post positive thoughts, encouraging words and healthy ideas to share with each other. 

Four Years

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Four years. It was four years ago yesterday that the end of my first marriage was final. We were about 3 weeks shy of our 10th anniversary and had been together for twelve and a half years. No one can say that we didn’t try. We were college sweethearts. We got along well, but I learned that getting along well didn’t necessarily mean that we were meant to be married.

I was raised in a Christian home, and my parents are still married 41 years later. Divorce was not an easy decision for me, but living the life that we lived was getting more difficult to maintain. The last few years of our marriage we lived almost separate lives and were more like roommates than we were a married couple. We kept up the facade for a long time. So long, in fact, that when we told people we were going to file for divorce, people were surprised. We parted on good terms, though there were a lot of hurt feelings deep down inside, despite knowing that it was the best thing for both of us.

Four years later we still keep in touch somewhat through email, though the last time I saw him was almost a week after the divorce was final. When we said goodbye at the airport that day, I had a feeling it was going to be the last time even though he said it wasn’t. He never came back for the things he left in storage or Shelton that he said was his. When I moved everything out of storage a couple of years ago, I asked him if he still wanted it. I didn’t ask him about the dog. He still hasn’t asked about Shelton…not even to ask how he’s doing. I have never forgiven him for never asking about Shelton.

Every year seems to be easier until I read my the post from the day that I dropped him off at the airport that last time I saw him. I still get emotional when I read that post. I hate crying!

The good thing out of all of this is that I learned so much about what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. I had to have experienced the marriage to my ex husband to be where I am today. I have no regrets. I can’t change the past, but I can certainly learn from it. Despite all that has happened, I am a better person today because of it, and I have a wonderful marriage today because of all the good times and the bad that I experienced in the past.

Deadlines

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I am very much a task and goal oriented person. A big part of my job is testing the scheduling software that nurses and other staff use to schedule their shifts at the medical center where I work. We have been testing a new release from our vendor since the fall.

Seriously…for more than 6 months.

There’s several steps and processes and stages and blah,blah,blah. We’ve set a goal of being completely done by July 23rd. I am taking time off from work starting July 23rd for 2-6 weeks, which means that this deadline is pretty much in stone unless something comes up that just cannot be resolved by then. I have 3 other co-workers but only 1 does has the same job as me. I REALLY don’t want to put all of that on her or the other 2, so I am busting you-know-what to get through all of the testing, which involves working from home in the evenings.

It’s not so bad, really.

I watch tv…or rather, I have it on in the background, and my feet are up in the recliner. I’m relaxed.

I would say that this is the first job that I cared enough about to work from home in the evenings, but that’s not entirely true….though there haven’t been many that I would. This is, however, the first job I’ve had where I CAN work from home like this and also my first salary job, so I don’t feel like I am being cheated since I am not paid by the hour.

Anyway, the point of my post really was to say that I love deadlines! Man, they’re stressful, but I work SO MUCH BETTER when I have a deadline. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, but I guess it helps me see the goal and what I am working toward.

So July 23rd, Just Bring It!

P.S. I guess this is the first time I’ve ever posted about work here. 

Just Write!

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When it comes to writing, it’s like I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Actually, most of my life is like that, but it’s more Pros and Cons on each shoulder. I debate everything in my head and often have a difficult time making decisions.

I’ve put off writing again, even though I feel the words in my head just fighting to get out. I make excuses as to why I shouldn’t bother writing, so usually the negative side wins.

This time I’m making a goal to write for 5 minutes every day. I like Lisa Jo Baker’s 5 Minute Friday, and I need something like that every day. Even though I don’t always write my 5 Minute Friday on Fridays, I look forward to having SOMETHING to write about at least once a week. So I am going to work on setting a timer for 5 minutes and just writing whatever comes out of my head. It’s my goal for the next couple of weeks, at least.

I had a terrible, terrible headache again last night, and I fear that it might have been a (lack of) caffeine headache or a delayed withdrawal from not taking OTC pain killers for the past month, because the headache had gone on for 9 straight hours of stabbing pain, but within an hour of taking 2 Aleve and a cup of coffee (at 10pm last night), my headache was gone. While I was glad that the headache was gone, it also meant that I was awake until 2am this morning and a fear that my OTC pain killer or caffeine addiction has reared a very ugly head at me then stuck out it’s tongue and blew a raspberry at me.

Yeah, like that.

I’m having a second cup of coffee this morning and hope that I’ll stave off the headache monster today. I really don’t want to go back to the daily headaches again.

Clarity

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Wow! The topic of Expectation is just what I needed to write about this morning, despite being a few days late in participating. I had been feeling slightly guilty for not posting more regularly here, but now I realize that it was the high expectations I place on myself that was churning up the guilt monster. One thing I can say for sure is that I blog for my own pleasure…to get the words out of my head. I know most bloggers blog so that someone will read their words or pleasing their sponsors or get more followers….and that’s cool! That’s what they hope to achieve from their blog. For me, it’s for the clarity of my mind. I love receiving comments and knowing people are reading my thoughts, but I don’t feel like a failure if I don’t.

I’m still battling headaches. I saw my doctor last week, and she thinks it’s from my severe TMJ. So as of Wednesday, I am taking muscle relaxers at bed time and haven’t had a single OTC pain reliever, such as ibuprofen or naproxen. I’m still having headaches, but I’m hoping that it’s from the rebound headaches that come when you have taken NSAIDs on a regular basis….for years. My doctor said that it could take a month for them to get out of my system, so I’m just trying to take it easy lately when I have headaches instead of turning to the pill bottle.

The GoodReads daily quote this morning also spoke to me and my questioning of faith.

“It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” — Anne Frank

That is an amazing combination of words (which is all quotes REALLY are) that mean so much to me lately and from an amazingly strong young woman! I hope to keep that in mind today and the next time my faith, morals or beliefs are questioned by someone else or even myself.

Have a good day, my friends! It’s so much better than the alternative!

The words inside my head

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I have many words in my head that I want to get out in this blog, but the headaches have gotten worse. Last night it was so bad that I actually considered going to the ER (something I’ve never considered for a headache) but ultimately I knew that going to the ER in the middle of the night would probably be a bad idea. Two of my fellow headache suffering friends also agreed since the lights, noises and waiting would just make it worse. I medicated with two Tylenol PM and finally drifted off to sleep. I made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow to see if she can help. The over the counter stuff just isn’t working anymore.

But this isn’t a headache blog. It’s a faith blog. I have faith that everything is going to be okay, and I will feel good again soon!

I’m one of those people who are always inside my own head. I have a feeling that most writers and bloggers are. Often when I haven’t blogged or journaled (or whatever you want to call it), the words just seem to jumble in my head, and I need to release them.

That was one thing that I liked about the TV Show, Scrubs, or even Doogie Howser back in the day. I enjoy the main character narrating the story because that’s sometimes how I see my life…like I’m the narrator to everything that happens everyday in my life. If I could just move those thoughts into written words automatically, I would find relief, of course only if I could edit them before others read them. I don’t think we truly want to know everything that someone else is thinking. TV Shows have also proven that with people who are mind readers.

Because TV Shows are always right…right? Actually, in this case I’m pretty sure they are. I don’t want people to be completely honest with me and share all of their thoughts.

Where was I even going with all of this? I really don’t remember. I’m just going to work on my other writing exercises now. Don’t mind me 🙂

Just For Today

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A popular phrase with 12-step programs is “Just For Today,” yet it is so worthy of everyday life outside of those programs, too. I’ve made this something that I think about often throughout the day when things aren’t going right or I feel overwhelmed.

How often do we spend in thought of the future or the past, whether good or bad?
Do we think about what we could have done different and wish we could change things?
Are we obsessed with planning what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year?

What’s wrong with concentrating on what’s going on today?

That’s what I‘m saying to myself every morning and any time throughout the day when I need it. It seems so simple, yet I have the hardest time keeping it simple.

I challenge anyone reading this to take the rest of the day and not worry about what you didn’t do yesterday or what is coming up tomorrow. Just For Today.