In the Quiet of the House

In the quiet of the house, the only sounds I hear are the clocks ticking. One clock is in the living room, the other in the kitchen. They tick almost opposite of each other but not quite. I never notice them except when the house is silent, but they still continue their conversation night after night and day after day.

In the quiet of the house, I can’t help but still have it on my mind. It’s been several days, but I still feel restless. I still feel like something is wrong or missing. Ignoring it and moving on doesn’t work for me, but I fear removing the patchwork that was silently put there. I anxiously wait for it to happen again and fear that each time will be worse than the time before.

In the quiet of the house, I contemplate the demons and how easily they slither into my thoughts when I’m not paying attention. They take over and tell me that I’m a failure, that I will never get better and will forever be imprisoned by my weight. When they visit, they bring me down with them, and I believe them. I believe their lies, therefore I act accordingly. Sleeping and snacking becomes the norm and the only activities I enjoy. I’ve been here many, many times.

In the quiet of the house, I look forward to the future despite my woes and worries. I know that it does get better, and that life needs the bad times so that the good times are much more appreciated. I go through life’s ups and downs and keep pressing on. Just for today.

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Today I Become A Butterfly

At this moment, this caterpillar is turning into a butterfly. I am writing this in advance to post when I go into surgery. I’ve kept my surgery quiet to most people, with the exception of close friends and family because of the judgments and opinions of others, most who don’t know me well.

I’ve battled weight issues for as long as my memory takes me. I’ve been on countless food programs in hopes of big changes. A few times I have been successful but the weight usually comes back eventually…and then some. I first looked into having weight loss surgery in 2002, but the insurance I had at the time wouldn’t cover it. I looked into it again last November and went through the process. This time I was approved!

I have been involved in support groups and done my research. I know what I am getting myself into. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has heard that someone has died from this surgery or had complications or ended up back in the hospital and so on. I know the risks. There are also risks involved in living the kind of life that I’ve been living up until this point, too.

For those who might be interested, I am having Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. I will be in surgery for about 2 hours (starting at 7:30am Central Time) and released the next day if all goes well. I’ll be out of work for about 2 weeks.

And so my secret is revealed. I’ve wanted to post about this for as long as I’ve had this blog, but I’ve been afraid. I realize that photos of me will soon reveal that SOMETHING has happened, so it’s not like I can keep this a secret forever.

If you’re reading this, please pray for me. I’m going to need a lot of encouragement. So far, I’ve received kind words from most everyone, but of course the few negative words always seem to outweigh the positive ones.

“In you, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in your righteousness.” – Psalm 31:1

Note: If you have had any weight loss surgery or contemplating surgery, please feel free to contact me directly. I am an Admin on a Closed Facebook Support Group for women where we post positive thoughts, encouraging words and healthy ideas to share with each other. 

Deadlines

I am very much a task and goal oriented person. A big part of my job is testing the scheduling software that nurses and other staff use to schedule their shifts at the medical center where I work. We have been testing a new release from our vendor since the fall.

Seriously…for more than 6 months.

There’s several steps and processes and stages and blah,blah,blah. We’ve set a goal of being completely done by July 23rd. I am taking time off from work starting July 23rd for 2-6 weeks, which means that this deadline is pretty much in stone unless something comes up that just cannot be resolved by then. I have 3 other co-workers but only 1 does has the same job as me. I REALLY don’t want to put all of that on her or the other 2, so I am busting you-know-what to get through all of the testing, which involves working from home in the evenings.

It’s not so bad, really.

I watch tv…or rather, I have it on in the background, and my feet are up in the recliner. I’m relaxed.

I would say that this is the first job that I cared enough about to work from home in the evenings, but that’s not entirely true….though there haven’t been many that I would. This is, however, the first job I’ve had where I CAN work from home like this and also my first salary job, so I don’t feel like I am being cheated since I am not paid by the hour.

Anyway, the point of my post really was to say that I love deadlines! Man, they’re stressful, but I work SO MUCH BETTER when I have a deadline. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, but I guess it helps me see the goal and what I am working toward.

So July 23rd, Just Bring It!

P.S. I guess this is the first time I’ve ever posted about work here. 

Just For Today

A popular phrase with 12-step programs is “Just For Today,” yet it is so worthy of everyday life outside of those programs, too. I’ve made this something that I think about often throughout the day when things aren’t going right or I feel overwhelmed.

How often do we spend in thought of the future or the past, whether good or bad?
Do we think about what we could have done different and wish we could change things?
Are we obsessed with planning what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week or next year?

What’s wrong with concentrating on what’s going on today?

That’s what I‘m saying to myself every morning and any time throughout the day when I need it. It seems so simple, yet I have the hardest time keeping it simple.

I challenge anyone reading this to take the rest of the day and not worry about what you didn’t do yesterday or what is coming up tomorrow. Just For Today.