It’s weird how last week I felt like I had all sorts of blog posts in my head, and this week it’s all crickets.

I sit here at my laptop, my fingers paused over the keys, and I stare at the post entry page until my eyes begin to cross. Still crickets.

That’s okay, because tomorrow will be Five Minute Friday, and I will be given a topic. My words will free flow from my fingertips without worry. Hopefully the crickets won’t show up for that, either.

Four Years

Four years. It was four years ago yesterday that the end of my first marriage was final. We were about 3 weeks shy of our 10th anniversary and had been together for twelve and a half years. No one can say that we didn’t try. We were college sweethearts. We got along well, but I learned that getting along well didn’t necessarily mean that we were meant to be married.

I was raised in a Christian home, and my parents are still married 41 years later. Divorce was not an easy decision for me, but living the life that we lived was getting more difficult to maintain. The last few years of our marriage we lived almost separate lives and were more like roommates than we were a married couple. We kept up the facade for a long time. So long, in fact, that when we told people we were going to file for divorce, people were surprised. We parted on good terms, though there were a lot of hurt feelings deep down inside, despite knowing that it was the best thing for both of us.

Four years later we still keep in touch somewhat through email, though the last time I saw him was almost a week after the divorce was final. When we said goodbye at the airport that day, I had a feeling it was going to be the last time even though he said it wasn’t. He never came back for the things he left in storage or Shelton that he said was his. When I moved everything out of storage a couple of years ago, I asked him if he still wanted it. I didn’t ask him about the dog. He still hasn’t asked about Shelton…not even to ask how he’s doing. I have never forgiven him for never asking about Shelton.

Every year seems to be easier until I read my the post from the day that I dropped him off at the airport that last time I saw him. I still get emotional when I read that post. I hate crying!

The good thing out of all of this is that I learned so much about what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. I had to have experienced the marriage to my ex husband to be where I am today. I have no regrets. I can’t change the past, but I can certainly learn from it. Despite all that has happened, I am a better person today because of it, and I have a wonderful marriage today because of all the good times and the bad that I experienced in the past.

Just Write!

When it comes to writing, it’s like I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Actually, most of my life is like that, but it’s more Pros and Cons on each shoulder. I debate everything in my head and often have a difficult time making decisions.

I’ve put off writing again, even though I feel the words in my head just fighting to get out. I make excuses as to why I shouldn’t bother writing, so usually the negative side wins.

This time I’m making a goal to write for 5 minutes every day. I like Lisa Jo Baker’s 5 Minute Friday, and I need something like that every day. Even though I don’t always write my 5 Minute Friday on Fridays, I look forward to having SOMETHING to write about at least once a week. So I am going to work on setting a timer for 5 minutes and just writing whatever comes out of my head. It’s my goal for the next couple of weeks, at least.

I had a terrible, terrible headache again last night, and I fear that it might have been a (lack of) caffeine headache or a delayed withdrawal from not taking OTC pain killers for the past month, because the headache had gone on for 9 straight hours of stabbing pain, but within an hour of taking 2 Aleve and a cup of coffee (at 10pm last night), my headache was gone. While I was glad that the headache was gone, it also meant that I was awake until 2am this morning and a fear that my OTC pain killer or caffeine addiction has reared a very ugly head at me then stuck out it’s tongue and blew a raspberry at me.

Yeah, like that.

I’m having a second cup of coffee this morning and hope that I’ll stave off the headache monster today. I really don’t want to go back to the daily headaches again.